just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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