you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
