I skipped work to stalk him.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
