if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize