there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
