dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
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