hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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