so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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