So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
