I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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