So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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