i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
