Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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