Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
