Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
