Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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