mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
