Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
