im six kinds of drunk right now
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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