I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
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