she was so not down for the gang bang
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
All the doctor said was why
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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