our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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