I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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