I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
