Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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