Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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