Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You can't special order awesome
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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