It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
