I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
