Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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