I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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