dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
