I wish I could punch you in the face.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
