Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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