She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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