Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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