I want to have your abortion
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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