Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
