this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
