I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
we made out on top of his cat.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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