my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
should my penis look like a turkey
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
