you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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