just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I could fuck to npr.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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