I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
