Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
