i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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