I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
