I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
