I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do vagina's smell?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
