so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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