I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize