I can text with my tongue
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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