Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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