The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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