If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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