Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Is it penis luge time yet?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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