Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
