i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
