just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
