This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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